I like to think about complex structures and concepts and break them down into simpler ideas. It’s fun to dissect the terminology of a narrative and see if it’s possible to find descriptive statements we can agree on to be true.
Here are the results of such an attempt of mine regarding the topic of love and romantic relationships:
To be in love
What this feeling really is, is excitement. One can get excited about various things: a new sport discipline, a car, a new job, any new project, a new person in one’s life.
To be in love with someone or something equals to be excited about it.
And this (temporary) feeling will eventually wear off. It always does.
Love
Love is a feeling one only can produce within himself. It's a universal feeling and it can have different intensities.
Once one develops the feeling of love, he will love himself, everyone around him, every thing, life itself. He will feel a profound feeling of happiness and being at peace. It can get stronger or less strong, and it is in our control to influence the strength of this feeling.
Love is not directed towards a certain person. It’s a universal feeling.
Loyalty
Loyalty is what most people confuse with Love when they are in a relationship. One can be loyal to his or her partner, without the feeling of excitement or "being in love" (which is not lasting forever anyways) and even without the feeling of love to oneself and everything else.
One can be loyal to a boss, to family, to a pet and even to a cause, without those emotions that are typically connected to a romantic relationship.
When we base a romantic relationship on the feeling of “Love” or even worse, on the feeling of “being in Love”, we deceive ourselves that this will be enough to sustain the relationship.
What we really want is loyalty. We want to establish a deal with our partner, that we’re gonna be loyal to each other, to the relationship, no matter in what state of feelings we currently might be.
Romantic Relationships
The foundation of a good relationship will not be excitement about the other person, or one filling the hole of the lack of a certain feeling (like connection), or the fear of being alone or even the feeling of universal love.
The foundation of a good partnership is always a solid and profound agreement or deal between the partners, achieved and agreed upon over a long period of time - a negotiation period - and will be re-evaluated regularly. For that, it is necessary for both partners to have a certain amount of trust, which is obtained by open, clear and honest communication and self-reflection/awareness.
Negotiations and Deal Making
In order to participate as an equal in the negotiations about the deals in a romantic relationship, each of the involved needs to have great self-awareness and be able to assess his own needs and do-not-wants.
The better I know myself, the better I can make clear my position in the negotiations with my partner, which will enable him to understand what he is agreeing to in this partnership and it will cause fewer problems later on in the relationship.
In life, naturally, situations and circumstances change. That's why it's necessary to communicate immediately and honestly with the partner if the underlying conditions of former agreements change.
When we grow as a person and understand relationships better, we understand that feelings are momentary and fleeting.
Of course, we like the notion of one day finding and falling in love with the “right person”, to experience a feeling so strong that we “just know” this will be our perfect romantic relationship.
But that’s actually not the reality we want. We want to find a partner that shares our values and vision for the future. Someone who understands, that feelings might come and go, but loyalty and a shared vision are among the most valuable things we can experience in life.